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I found an old scribbling on my comp. In finnish, though.

Sep. 18th, 2007 | 10:27 am
mood: blankblank

I am an actress I am light I am dead

Tänään on vaikea päivä jaksaa yhtään mitään. En tiedä miksi olen niin puhki ja poikki. Ehkä huonosti nukutun yön jälkeen, stressin ja väsymyksen ja harmauden takia. Tunnelma on todella masentava. Eikä auta yhtään tietää että edessä on koko viikko kovaa työskentelyä päivisin ja iltaisin. Kaipaan todella lomaa.
Unelmoin. Se auttaa, mutta toisaalta luulen että kaipaisin sellaista yhteyttä... ja se kaipuu tekee olon harmaaksi, koska tiedän että olen hullu, ja tuhlaan energiaani ja toiveitani johonkin joka on epätodennäköistä.

t-paitoja
pitkiä paitoja
farkut
housuja
hameita
sukkia
sukkahousuja
alushousuja
aurinkolasit
kenkiä
juhlakenkiä
biletoppeja
kylpypallot
kaapu
uikkarit (just in case...)
kirja
päiväkirja
luonnostelukamat – uusi luonnoskirja
kynät
tussit
tietokone
kamera ja filmiä
mittari ja insuliinit
hygienia
meikit
muotoiluaineet
kosteusvoiteet
suoristin?
käyntikortit
villasukat
A:n joululahja sukka

Tuntuu yksinäiseltä, vaikka olen ihmisten ympyröimä. Haalistun ja harmaannun, muutun yhdentekeväksi ja autistiseksi. Olen venytetty ja vanutettu riepu. Voisin haluta tehdä jotain kivaa, mutta ajatus siitäkin väsyttää – täytyykö minun venyä vielä sellaiseenkin? Elämä on vain suorittamista ilman hauskuuksia. Olen aikataulusta myöhässä, saatan pettää suunnitelmani ja sen takia en voi palkita itseäni.
Nämä ajatukset ja tunnelmat ovat läsnä unissanikin. Olen ajettu takaa, tai minua uhkaa vaara joko dinosaurusten, asemiesten tai muiden ilkeiden ihmisten toimesta. Yritän olla näkymätön, mutta sekin epäonnistuu. Nämä tunteet siirtyvät kuvitelmiinikin. Niissä minua epäillään ja joudun todistelemaan olevani arvoinen. En taida ajatella kauhean paljon itsestäni tällä hetkellä.
Saavuttamisesta ei ehdi tulla minkäänlaista tyydytystä, sillä seuraavan probleemin kimppuun on käytävä ennen kuin liima ehtii kuivua tai tiedosto tallentua. Aivoni ovat todella ylikuumentuneet. On pieni burnis päällä. Kyllä ihminen kestää yllättävän paljon, ja minä olen vahva. En vain tänään. Tänään en saa sitä elinvoimaa, nyt on hunajakennot kuivuneet. Haluan uppoutua johonkin pehmeään ja lämpimään, haluan olla jossain kaukana paikassa, jossa keskitytään olennaiseen., ja jossa töitä tehdään 20 tuntia viikossa.
Luovuuteni on kylläinen kaikesta tästä angstista. Se taitaa olla ainoa, joka ei kärsi nyt. Ole tyytyväinen, yritän muistaa kaiken mitä minulle annat nyt, jotta voin käyttää ideoitasi myöhemmin. Kaipaan muusani, ja muusani on läsnä enemmän kuin koskaan?

Saudade. Forc,a da vida. Eu sou solta, eu estou viva, estou morta – sou uma actriz.

Menen ihan kohta takaisin tunnille. Tulin sentään ajoissa kouluun.

PS. Vaikka tämän kirjoittamisesta on kohta vuosi, tunnen silti aika lailla samoin. Se on aika järisyttävää huomata - en tullut kylläkään ajoissa kouluun...

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Come as you are. leave as they wanted.

Aug. 22nd, 2007 | 04:34 am
mood: coldcold
music: the man who sold the world - nirvana

I can’t find why to exist. Then again. Why not?
Whilst brainless polyps fill our oceans, humans are an existential crisis ready-made; what can our brains achieve!
I know I matter. I’ve cost money to government, and time and effort for my parents. Maybe there are some people who have appreciated me and would be sorry to hear that I had passed away. But fo’real.
How many lives would it touch? And wouldn’t that touching by because I had committed suicide? They would think I died so young with a glorious future. If I had lived a sorry life, no one would have remembered me. Sounds reasonable?
Some might wish I still were among them. But we get attached to stuff too.
They would probably reason why?
Why not?
Life is a decision. Every day is. If life is a question, isn’t death a solution? Those two come in pairs. We die anyway; it’s part of life. So if it’s a question, there are two answers. To live or die.
And this crisis, is upon me just because a, I felt I hadn’t accomplished anything – make it happen – b, I am scared shitless to have a real relationship – it takes time to heal yeah yeah – c, I felt like a loser – every one has bad days – d, I hadn’t felt happy in a while – get professional help… Yeah I’ll talk to a pro, who will stuff me up with pills to numb me. That is not a solution.
I am sick and tired of trying to reason myself. To try to fix me up, to make the decisions, the responsibility of my own life. I don’t feel I deserve to be depressed or broken. I’ve got my things good and I am privileged. I think, therefore I exist. Thinking is just the thing that got me wrong.
Stupid happy.
I find company, I have friends. I am smart, and able to learn things. I experience new things and am interested in new people and phenomenon. But love scares me and I can’t live up to expectations, that sorry enough are all my own. I wish to receive love, when I do, I can’t give any. I fear if I truly show my colours, the other will desist and turn away from me. Not to mention this is a wound never healed, always licked. So the memory remains – something new, something old and in the end something blue. I.
I am sick and tired of having the blame. I am the source of my problems. The fountain of agony. After a goodnight’s sleep, all this will be gone. To start again tomorrow evening.
Pain tells our bodies that something is wrong. Is this pain in my body or soul? My soul is wrong. Look at what I have done.
I want to be beautiful inside out. Beauty is brief. I have my youth and I am alive. But with the condition of the world, I’d be doing a favour if I let go.
And there is exactly no soul in the world – I don’t accept polyps, thank you – to tell me I am wrong. But I have a longer career of being scared of living than dying, so I continue.
How can I claim I am right? Because nothing else matters. We live for ourselves, not for anyone else. Can I really say Kurt was wrong to kill himself? Think what he could have made if he had lived! Destiny is busy; he/she borrows our hands. I mean, look at Courtney now.
Life, not youth, is wasted on us.
I am my worst nightmare: a talent gone wasted. And the face in the mirror doesn’t make me happy.

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Finding My Better Judgement

Aug. 18th, 2007 | 06:13 pm
mood: dirtydirty
music: Mystify by INXS

The others they ask how’s work, another “how’s your summer”. Me they ask how’s your love life.
How can anyone live without love?
I am not going to be a nun and sit cross-legged waiting. I am alive now and maybe not tomorrow, so fuck the rules. I kind of feel they think of me as a vamp or the femme fatale. Yeah I broke up with my boyfriend of four years, and after to mend I got new ones. I found easy to find them. I don’t know if I was easy. After an unhappy and stormy relationship I was so happy to meet new people, and get the ego boost to see I am still attractive and wanted, that I could get anyone.
All would be fine, but I haven’t yet had the guts to let go. My ex is still in the picture. He wants me back, but isn’t willing to make any effort. So I keep him on the side, without real commitment. I know it’s terrible.
I had two-three ventures with new guys, but after the breaking of one’s heart and after breaking my heart with the other, it was so easy to go back to the ex. It’s safe, there’s a guarantee. It’s such a regular story.
It is a façade. To parents and relatives, to mutual friends.
Now I am not sure. I think I met someone I might start liking for real. He’s kind of perfect. And I am scared shitless. It’s so much easier to be with people that I don’t feel for so much. Especially, if they are distant, or sure to leave.
My dear diary, I found out I have a stone for heart. That I can use people to my desires, without really caring if it was fair to them. I found out I am scared to commit; monogamy is scary – is there anyone so good to be the only? I love You or you?
Am I the woman-became-man?
This must be my conscience speaking to me. Well, actually my former roommate. She gave me the advice, or rather her opinion, that I should remain alone for a while. To find myself. Or in other words, to find my better judgement. Keeping it real.
Oh, the drama. Loving it. Mmm-m.

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life is so big

Aug. 8th, 2007 | 04:08 pm
mood: geekygeeky
music: North by Phoenix

Summer really cracks me up, spending uneven days at home and trying to discover means to think light.  So this is my first entry, a try-out.. Writing digital may affect the content, I am afraid. I've never managed to stop or control when I work with the feel of the paper and the ink flow. My thoughts aren't organized, suffer with me.

   What is the Happy Medium that would fix me?
   Do people who never stop to think, feel empty?
   Don't people who are able to clear their minds, ever find it an impossible lightness?

   I, simply put, think too much. Most of my thoughts probably rubbish. Sometimes I come up with answers. Sometimes not; mostly not. I hope no-one is able to read my mind. I hope they guess randomly.
   I also want to accomplish things. I punish myself thinking I am lazy ( I know many who would agree). On better days I am just not motivated and my energy not focused. So am I daydreaming, or organizing my mind to actually achieve something bigger?
   My friend could be called a collector. He stores everything in his memory, man, seriously he could say on what date month year I had said this or that to him. Not only one or two VI things, but basically the most mundane things too.
   I never found out if he kept an extensive diary or just had the scariest memory, but that thing, thinking too much about things got to him. Made him a panicky and a restless person. Also made him pretty hard to bear - imagine having an argument with a guy who could say "on 2.11.2001 you told me that you weren't going with me to see my friends"..
   Is this always-continuing process of analyzing and pondering going to get to me, or is it going to get me somewhere?

 

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