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Finding My Better Judgement

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Aug. 18th, 2007 | 06:13 pm
mood: dirtydirty
music: Mystify by INXS

The others they ask how’s work, another “how’s your summer”. Me they ask how’s your love life.
How can anyone live without love?
I am not going to be a nun and sit cross-legged waiting. I am alive now and maybe not tomorrow, so fuck the rules. I kind of feel they think of me as a vamp or the femme fatale. Yeah I broke up with my boyfriend of four years, and after to mend I got new ones. I found easy to find them. I don’t know if I was easy. After an unhappy and stormy relationship I was so happy to meet new people, and get the ego boost to see I am still attractive and wanted, that I could get anyone.
All would be fine, but I haven’t yet had the guts to let go. My ex is still in the picture. He wants me back, but isn’t willing to make any effort. So I keep him on the side, without real commitment. I know it’s terrible.
I had two-three ventures with new guys, but after the breaking of one’s heart and after breaking my heart with the other, it was so easy to go back to the ex. It’s safe, there’s a guarantee. It’s such a regular story.
It is a façade. To parents and relatives, to mutual friends.
Now I am not sure. I think I met someone I might start liking for real. He’s kind of perfect. And I am scared shitless. It’s so much easier to be with people that I don’t feel for so much. Especially, if they are distant, or sure to leave.
My dear diary, I found out I have a stone for heart. That I can use people to my desires, without really caring if it was fair to them. I found out I am scared to commit; monogamy is scary – is there anyone so good to be the only? I love You or you?
Am I the woman-became-man?
This must be my conscience speaking to me. Well, actually my former roommate. She gave me the advice, or rather her opinion, that I should remain alone for a while. To find myself. Or in other words, to find my better judgement. Keeping it real.
Oh, the drama. Loving it. Mmm-m.

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